Fast Answer: Why Compliments Can Backfire
Compliments, though well-intentioned, can sometimes backfire due to complex psychological responses. They might trigger feelings of social comparison, making the recipient feel inadequate rather than celebrated. Praise can also activate imposter syndrome, causing the person to doubt their own abilities and dismiss the compliment as undeserved. In many cases, a compliment can lead to overthinking, where the recipient analyzes the words for hidden meanings or expectations. These backfires are not always conscious; they are often subtle, automatic reactions rooted in our cognitive and emotional wiring that can create pressure, doubt, or even resentment.
Introduction: The Double-Edged Nature of Praise
A genuine compliment feels like a gift. It’s a moment of connection, a signal of recognition that can brighten a day and strengthen a bond. We are social creatures, and receiving positive feedback often validates our efforts, boosts our self-esteem, and reassures us that we are seen and valued. This universal appeal is why we offer praise to friends, colleagues, and loved ones—to share a moment of positivity and build them up.
Yet, sometimes this simple act of kindness misses the mark. A word of praise intended to encourage can instead create pressure. A compliment meant to celebrate can inadvertently highlight someone’s deepest insecurities. The positive feedback can land with a thud, leaving both the giver and receiver feeling confused or disconnected. This is the double-edged nature of praise.
The reason a compliment can misfire has little to do with ill intent. Instead, it’s a fascinating intersection of our social programming, emotional histories, and cognitive frameworks. Factors like your relationship with the person, the specific words you choose, and the context in which you deliver them all play a crucial role. Understanding why compliments can backfire is not about creating rules for social interaction but about developing a deeper awareness of the human mind. It allows us to give praise more effectively and receive it with greater grace, turning a potentially awkward moment into a truly meaningful one.
Cognitive Mechanisms Behind Compliment Misfires
Our brains are constantly working to interpret social cues, and a compliment is a dense piece of social data. When praise is received, it’s not simply accepted at face value. It’s filtered through a series of cognitive biases and mental models that can change its meaning entirely. These mechanisms are often automatic and operate just below the surface of our conscious thought.
Social Comparison Bias: The Unintended Comparison
You tell a colleague, “Your presentation was amazing, you’re so much more confident than I am.” Your intent is to praise their public speaking skills. However, what they might hear is a direct comparison that forces them to measure themselves against you. Social comparison theory suggests that we have an innate drive to evaluate ourselves in relation to others. While this can be motivating, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy or pressure.
When a compliment is framed as a comparison (“You’re better than…”), it can backfire in several ways:
- For the high-performer: They may feel a sense of guilt or discomfort for outshining a peer.
- For someone with low self-confidence: The comparison might feel like a fluke, creating pressure to maintain a standard they don’t believe they can consistently meet.
- For a competitor: It can introduce an element of rivalry into what should be a supportive relationship.
Praise that highlights a person’s individual progress or effort, without measuring it against someone else, is far less likely to trigger this defensive comparison. It allows the recipient to own their achievement without the psychological weight of a social benchmark.
Imposter Syndrome: Doubting Deserved Praise
For individuals struggling with imposter syndrome, a compliment can feel like a spotlight exposing them as a fraud. Imposter syndrome is the persistent internal belief that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be. It’s a disconnect between external validation and your internal sense of self.
When someone with these feelings receives praise, their thought process might look like this: “They think I did a great job, but they don’t see how much I struggled. They don’t know I got lucky. If they knew the truth, they wouldn’t be complimenting me.” The praise doesn’t integrate with their self-concept; instead, it creates cognitive dissonance. This internal conflict can lead to anxiety and a frantic desire to prove the compliment-giver “wrong” by pointing out flaws in their own work. The validation feels unearned and therefore, threatening.
Overthinking: The Self-Critical Loop
Have you ever received a compliment and spent the next hour dissecting it? “What did they really mean by that?” “Was that sarcasm?” “Now they’re going to expect this from me all the time.” This is the cognitive trap of overthinking. Instead of simply accepting the praise, the mind gets caught in a loop of analysis, searching for hidden meanings, potential threats, or future obligations. This is especially common for those who tend to overthink conversations in general.
This over-analysis is often fueled by a fear of not meeting expectations. The compliment, “You’re a natural leader,” can transform into a heavy burden: “Now I have to be a perfect leader in every situation.” The positive feedback becomes a standard to live up to, and the fear of failing to meet that new standard can overshadow the initial positive feeling.
Scarcity Mindset: When Praise Feels Too Generous
A scarcity mindset is the belief that good things—like praise, success, or resources—are limited. Someone operating from this mindset might feel deeply uncomfortable with effusive or abundant praise. If a person believes they are only worthy of a small amount of recognition, receiving a significant compliment can feel disproportionate and even suspicious.
Their internal monologue might be, “This is too much praise. There must be a catch.” They may believe the giver wants something in return or is being insincere. This reaction is a defense mechanism. By distrusting the compliment, they protect themselves from potential disappointment or manipulation. They are essentially asking, “Why me?” because, from their scarcity-based worldview, such generous praise is an anomaly that must be explained. Understanding the psychology of compliments helps us see how compliments can backfire psychologically in these subtle but powerful ways.
Emotional Triggers: Why Some Compliments Hurt
Beyond our cognitive filters, our emotional history plays a profound role in how we process praise. A compliment can inadvertently touch upon old wounds or trigger deep-seated anxieties, turning a positive remark into a painful experience. These emotional triggers are highly personal and often tied to our formative experiences.
Past Experiences with Manipulation or Conditional Praise
For some people, compliments were a tool used for manipulation during childhood or in past relationships. Praise was not a gift; it was a transaction. It was the prelude to a request, a way to smooth over a conflict, or a reward for behaving in a certain way. This is known as conditional praise.
If someone grew up only hearing “You’re so smart” after getting good grades, or “You’re so helpful” right before being asked to do a difficult chore, they learn to associate praise with an impending demand. As an adult, when they receive a compliment, their nervous system may react with suspicion and anxiety. They brace themselves for the “other shoe to drop.” The compliment doesn’t feel like genuine appreciation; it feels like the opening move in a negotiation. Their emotional memory has coded praise as a warning signal, not a form of validation.
Anxiety or Low Self-Esteem Amplifying Negative Interpretation
Low self-esteem acts like a distorted filter, twisting the meaning of incoming information. For a person with a fragile sense of self-worth, a compliment can feel like a direct contradiction to their core beliefs about themselves. If you believe you are unlovable or incompetent, hearing praise that challenges this belief can create intense internal conflict. It’s often easier to reject the compliment than to overhaul an entire belief system.
This rejection can take many forms:
- Outright denial: “Oh, no, it was nothing.”
- Deflection: “Anyone could have done it.”
- Minimization: “It’s really not that big of a deal.”
Anxiety further complicates this. Anxious individuals are often hyper-vigilant to social threats. A compliment can feel like being put on the spot, drawing unwanted attention that makes them feel exposed and vulnerable. The fear of being judged—even judged positively—can be overwhelming. The kind words, intended to soothe, instead amplify their social anxiety. This is a key reason why small comments hurt more from close people, as their words carry more weight and can more easily trigger these insecurities.
Cultural or Familial Conditioning on Humility or Modesty
In many cultures and families, humility is a paramount virtue. Children are taught to downplay their accomplishments and avoid appearing boastful. The cultural message is clear: do not draw attention to yourself. In this context, accepting a compliment gracefully can feel like an act of arrogance.
When someone raised with this conditioning receives praise, their automatic response is often to deflect or deny it. It’s not necessarily that they disagree with the compliment, but accepting it would violate a deeply ingrained social rule. They may feel a sense of shame or guilt for even momentarily being the center of positive attention. For them, rejecting praise is a way of demonstrating virtue and maintaining social harmony, as they were taught. This cultural programming is powerful and operates on a subconscious level, guiding their reactions in social situations long into adulthood.
Social Context Matters
A compliment is never delivered in a vacuum. The social context—the who, where, and when—is just as important as the words themselves. The same sentence can feel encouraging from one person and threatening from another. Ignoring the context is one of the most common reasons why compliments can backfire.
Who is Giving the Compliment?
The identity of the giver dramatically influences how a compliment is perceived. The existing relationship and any power dynamics are key variables.
- Peer or Friend: A compliment from a peer often feels like genuine support and camaraderie. However, if there’s an underlying rivalry, it could be interpreted as insincere or even a passive-aggressive jab.
- Authority Figure (e.g., a Boss): Praise from a superior can be highly motivating, providing a sense of professional validation. But it can also create pressure. The employee might worry that they now have to live up to a new, higher standard, and any future performance that falls short will be a disappointment.
- Stranger: A compliment from a stranger can be a delightful, low-stakes surprise. It can provide a quick boost of confidence precisely because it’s detached from any personal history or expectation. Yet, for some, it triggers a craving for more external validation, highlighting why we crave validation from strangers in the first place. For others, particularly in situations where safety is a concern, a stranger’s compliment can feel intrusive or alarming.
- Close Family Member: Praise from a parent or partner carries immense emotional weight. It can be deeply affirming, but if it touches on a sensitive topic or feels tied to old family dynamics, it can also reopen old wounds.
The Setting: Public vs. Private
The environment where a compliment is given is critical. A public compliment, delivered in front of colleagues or peers, can feel like a powerful endorsement. It elevates the recipient’s status within the group and serves as a form of social proof. However, for a shy or private person, public praise can be mortifying. It puts them in the spotlight and may make them feel exposed and uncomfortable. They might worry about appearing arrogant or inviting jealousy from others.
In contrast, a private compliment allows for a more intimate and less-pressured exchange. The recipient can absorb the feedback without the added layer of social performance. For sensitive conversations or deeply personal praise, a private setting is almost always more effective. It removes the audience, allowing the focus to remain on the genuine connection between the giver and receiver.
Timing and Relevance of the Compliment
The timing of a compliment is everything. Praise is most effective when it is immediate and relevant to a specific action. Complimenting someone on a report right after they submit it feels timely and connected to their effort. A generic compliment given long after the fact can feel random and less impactful.
Bad timing can also make a compliment backfire. For example, praising someone for their calm demeanor immediately after they’ve navigated a crisis might make them feel that their struggle was overlooked. They may have been paddling furiously beneath the surface, and a compliment on their “calmness” could feel invalidating. Similarly, offering praise as a way to interrupt someone or change the subject can feel dismissive. The compliment becomes a tool to control the conversation rather than a genuine expression of admiration.
Types of Compliments That Backfire
Not all compliments are created equal. The specific phrasing and structure of your praise can determine whether it lifts someone up or inadvertently weighs them down. Certain types of compliments are far more prone to misinterpretation and can trigger the negative cognitive and emotional responses we’ve discussed.
Generic Flattery vs. Specific Acknowledgment
Backfires: “You’re great!” “You’re so smart.” “Good job.”
These types of generic compliments often feel empty. Because they lack specificity, they can come across as insincere or as a low-effort social pleasantry. The recipient is left wondering, “Great at what?” or “What did I do that was smart?” Without a concrete example, the praise is difficult to internalize. For someone with low self-esteem, such vagueness provides no evidence to counter their negative self-beliefs, making it easy to dismiss.
Works Better: “The way you synthesized all that complex data in the first three slides of your presentation was brilliant. It made the entire argument easy to follow.”
Specific praise is powerful because it is evidence-based. It shows the person you were paying attention and genuinely value a particular skill or effort. It gives them concrete information they can use to build their confidence. This type of acknowledgment is much harder to deflect because it’s tied to a verifiable action.
Comparisons vs. Individual-Focused Praise
Backfires: “Your report was so much better than John’s.” “You’re the most talented artist in this class.”
As discussed with social comparison bias, compliments that rank or compare people create a competitive framework. They can breed resentment among peers and place the recipient in an awkward position. They may feel guilty for being praised at someone else’s expense or anxious about maintaining their “number one” status. This type of praise evaluates worth by placing it on a hierarchy, which is inherently unstable.
Works Better: “I was so impressed with the research you put into that report. The sources you found were incredibly insightful.”
Individual-focused praise celebrates the person’s own journey, effort, and growth. It doesn’t need to diminish someone else to lift another person up. It honors their unique contribution and allows them to feel proud of their work on its own terms, without the social pressure of a ranking system.
Overly Effusive Praise Creating Discomfort
Backfires: “That was the single most incredible, life-changing, magnificent performance I have ever witnessed in my entire life! You are a genius!”
While the intention might be to convey strong admiration, overly effusive or exaggerated praise can feel overwhelming and inauthentic. It can trigger a scarcity mindset in the recipient, making them think, “This is too much; it can’t be real.” It can also set an impossibly high bar for the future. If this performance was “the best ever,” what happens next time? The pressure to live up to such hyperbolic praise can be paralyzing.
Works Better: “I was genuinely moved by your performance tonight. The emotional depth you brought to that character was captivating. Thank you.”
Sincere, grounded praise feels more authentic and is easier to accept. It conveys deep appreciation without creating an unsustainable expectation. It allows the recipient to feel seen and valued for their work without feeling the weight of a superlative they can never hope to replicate.
Compliments Mixed with Criticism or Expectations
Backfires: “You did a great job on this project, which is surprising since you usually struggle with deadlines.” (The backhanded compliment)
“This is a fantastic start! Now, if you just fix these ten things, it will be perfect.” (The praise-and-takeaway)
Mixing praise with criticism, even if the criticism is constructive, can completely negate the positive feeling of the compliment. The brain often latches onto the negative part of the message, and the praise feels like a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down. The backhanded compliment is particularly damaging, as it’s a passive-aggressive way to deliver a critique under the guise of praise. It often leaves the person feeling confused and hurt. The praise-and-takeaway can feel like the compliment was just a setup for more work, turning a moment of recognition into a new to-do list.
Works Better: Separate praise from feedback. Let the compliment stand on its own. “I really appreciate the hard work you put into this draft. It’s clear you’ve thought deeply about the structure.” Then, at a later time or as a separate part of the conversation, you can say, “When you’re ready to look at revisions, I have a few ideas we could discuss.” This separation allows the person to fully absorb the validation before switching their brain into a problem-solving mode.
Strategies for Giving Compliments Effectively
Giving a compliment that lands well is a skill. It requires mindfulness, sincerity, and an awareness of the other person. By adopting a few key strategies, you can ensure your praise is received as the gift you intend it to be, strengthening your relationships and genuinely building others up.
Focus on Specific, Genuine, and Actionable Praise
Instead of reaching for generic labels, pinpoint the exact action, quality, or effort you admired. The more specific you are, the more genuine your compliment will feel.
- Instead of: “You’re a great team player.”
- Try: “I was really impressed by how you stepped in to help Sarah when she was overwhelmed with her part of the project. It showed real leadership and helped our whole team succeed.”
This level of detail provides concrete evidence that you were paying attention. It also gives the person actionable information; they now know that supporting a struggling teammate is a valued behavior. This specificity helps them internalize the praise and replicate the positive action in the future.
Avoid Comparisons and Pressure-Laden Statements
Make a conscious effort to keep your praise focused on the individual. Frame their success in terms of their own growth and effort, not in relation to others.
- Instead of: “You’re the fastest coder on the team.”
- Try: “I’ve noticed how much your coding speed and efficiency have improved over the past few months. Your dedication to practicing is really paying off.”
Also, be mindful of language that creates future pressure. Avoid superlatives like “best,” “always,” or “perfect.” These words can feel like a heavy weight.
- Instead of: “Your presentations are always perfect.”
- Try: “Your presentation today was incredibly clear and persuasive.”
This keeps the praise in the present moment, celebrating a specific achievement without setting an impossible standard for all future performances. It allows the recipient to feel proud without feeling anxious about what comes next.
Deliver in a Context Appropriate to the Relationship
Consider your relationship with the person and the environment. As a general rule, praise about personal qualities or sensitive efforts is best delivered privately. This respects the person’s privacy and avoids making them feel put on the spot. Public praise is often better suited for recognizing achievements that are already public knowledge, like a successful project launch or a group accomplishment.
Ask yourself:
- Will this person be comfortable with public attention?
- Is this praise about their character (better in private) or their work (can be public)?
- Does our relationship warrant this level of personal observation?
Matching the delivery to the context shows emotional intelligence and respect for the other person’s boundaries.
Encourage Growth and Validation Without Overloading
The goal of a compliment should be to validate effort and encourage growth, not to place someone on a pedestal. Frame your praise around the process, not just the outcome.
- Instead of: “You’re a natural genius.”
- Try: “I admire the perseverance you showed when you were stuck on that problem. It was amazing to watch you work through it.”
Praising effort, strategy, and perseverance fosters a “growth mindset,” the belief that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. This is far more empowering than praising innate talent, which can make people afraid to take on challenges where they might not look “naturally” gifted. It validates the struggle and the journey, which is often where the most meaningful growth occurs. This approach is less likely to trigger imposter syndrome and helps people see challenges as opportunities, not threats to their status.
Strategies for Receiving Compliments
Just as giving compliments is a skill, so is receiving them. For many, this is the harder part of the equation. Our automatic tendency can be to deflect, deny, or downplay praise. Learning to accept a compliment gracefully is an act of self-respect and also a gift to the giver, as it validates their kind gesture.
Recognize Your Automatic Negative Reactions
The first step is simply to notice your response. When someone praises you, what is your immediate internal reaction? Do you feel a surge of anxiety? Does your mind instantly start listing all the reasons why you don’t deserve it? Do you feel the urge to give a compliment right back?
These are learned habits. You might automatically deflect by saying, “Oh, this old thing?” when someone compliments your shirt. You might minimize your effort with, “It was nothing, really.” Recognizing this pattern is crucial. You don’t have to judge it, just observe it. This mindful awareness creates a small gap between the compliment and your reaction, giving you the power to choose a different response. You might still feel the discomfort, but you don’t have to let it dictate your words.
Practice Mindfulness and Self-Acknowledgment
When you receive a compliment, take a deep breath. Pause for a second before you respond. In that moment, try to let the words land without immediate analysis. Simply hear them. The goal is to short-circuit the overthinking process.
After the interaction, take a moment for self-acknowledgment. If someone praised your hard work, allow yourself to think, “Yes, I did work hard on that. It’s nice that someone noticed.” This isn’t about arrogance; it’s about validating your own experience. You are agreeing with the evidence. This practice helps to slowly realign your internal self-perception with the positive external feedback you receive. It’s like a muscle; the more you practice acknowledging your own efforts, the easier it will become to accept when others acknowledge them, too.
Avoid Overthinking or Dismissing Genuine Praise
Resist the urge to dissect the compliment. Don’t search for hidden motives or alternative meanings. Unless you have a clear reason to believe the person is being manipulative, take the compliment at face value. Assume positive intent. Overthinking praise can be a way to protect yourself from potential disappointment, but it also robs you of a moment of genuine connection and validation.
It can be helpful to have a simple, go-to response prepared. A straightforward “Thank you” is always a powerful and sufficient response. You can add a little more if it feels natural:
- “Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that.”
- “Thank you, that’s so kind of you to notice.”
- “Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.”
These simple phrases close the loop gracefully. They acknowledge the giver’s kindness without deflecting or minimizing your own contribution. Remember that when you dismiss a compliment, you are subtly rejecting the giver’s judgment and their attempt to connect with you. Accepting it is an act of reciprocity.
Use Compliments as Data, Not Judgment
Try to reframe compliments as data points rather than as a final judgment on your worth. If someone praises your communication skills, it’s a piece of data suggesting that in that specific instance, your communication was effective. It doesn’t mean you are now “The World’s Best Communicator” and can never have an awkward conversation again.
This perspective can be incredibly freeing. It detaches the compliment from your identity and links it to your actions. This makes the praise less threatening and easier to accept. It also helps when you don’t receive praise; the absence of a compliment is just an absence of data, not a negative judgment. Viewing praise this way helps you build a more resilient and realistic sense of self-worth, one that is based on a collection of evidence rather than on sweeping, all-or-nothing labels. It helps you remember that even small comments from close people are just one perspective in a much larger picture.
Compliments in Professional vs. Personal Contexts
The meaning and impact of a compliment can shift significantly depending on whether it’s given in a professional or a personal setting. While the core principles of giving and receiving praise remain the same, the underlying goals and social dynamics are different, requiring a nuanced approach.
Professional Compliments: Recognition, Growth, and Boundaries
In the workplace, compliments serve several key functions: they are tools for recognition, motivation, and feedback. Effective professional praise is typically tied to performance, skills, and contributions to the team or company goals.
- Focus on Impact: Professional compliments are most powerful when they connect an individual’s action to a positive business outcome. For example, “Your attention to detail on that client proposal directly led to us winning the contract. Great work.” This validates the employee’s effort and reinforces behaviors that benefit the organization.
- Maintain Boundaries: While it’s good to be warm and personable, professional compliments should generally steer clear of overly personal attributes, especially those related to appearance. Commenting on a colleague’s outfit can be fraught with potential misinterpretation, whereas praising their presentation skills is safer and more relevant. The goal is to build professional respect, not to blur the lines into personal intimacy.
- Public vs. Private: As a manager, public praise can be a great way to recognize a team member’s success and set a positive example for others. However, it’s crucial to distribute recognition fairly to avoid perceptions of favoritism. For corrective feedback or more personal encouragement, a private one-on-one setting is always more appropriate.
Personal Compliments: Validation, Trust, and Connection
In our personal lives—with friends, family, and partners—compliments are about so much more than performance. They are a primary vehicle for expressing affection, building trust, and providing emotional validation. They are about seeing the whole person and valuing them for who they are, not just what they do.
- Emotional Validation: Personal compliments often speak to a person’s character, values, or inner qualities. “I really admire your resilience” or “You have such a kind heart” can be deeply affirming. These compliments show that you see and appreciate the person on a fundamental level. This is where comments from loved ones have so much power, for better or for worse.
- Building Trust: Genuine, heartfelt praise strengthens the emotional bond between two people. When you compliment a friend on their loyalty or a partner on their support, you are reinforcing the foundation of trust in the relationship. You are saying, “I see your positive qualities, and I value them.”
- Navigating Nuances: Personal relationships are rich with history and complexity. A compliment that might be fine from a colleague could land differently from a parent or partner. It’s essential to be aware of past sensitivities and inside jokes. The history you share with the person gives you access to more meaningful and specific praise, but it also requires greater care. A compliment that acknowledges their growth in an area where they once struggled can be incredibly powerful if delivered with love and sensitivity.
Ultimately, the key difference lies in the intent. Professional compliments are largely about reinforcing and encouraging performance. Personal compliments are about reinforcing and encouraging the person themselves. Both are vital, but they operate in different emotional registers and serve different relational goals.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
1. Why do compliments make me uncomfortable?
Compliments can make you uncomfortable for several reasons. It could be due to low self-esteem, which makes it hard to accept praise that contradicts your negative self-view. It might also be related to imposter syndrome, where you feel like a fraud who doesn’t deserve the recognition. For some, it’s a learned response from a childhood where humility was emphasized, making it feel arrogant to accept praise. Finally, social anxiety can make any form of attention—even positive attention—feel overwhelming and stressful.
2. Can a compliment ever be harmful?
Yes, a compliment can be harmful if it is insincere, manipulative, or backhanded. A “backhanded compliment” like, “You’re so articulate for someone in your position,” is a criticism disguised as praise and can be deeply insulting. Compliments that create intense pressure, such as, “You’re the only one I can count on,” can lead to burnout. Furthermore, praise that is overly focused on appearance can reinforce the idea that a person’s value is tied to their looks, which can be damaging in the long run.
3. How do I compliment someone without it backfiring?
To give a compliment that is well-received, focus on being specific, sincere, and context-aware. Praise a specific action or effort rather than giving generic flattery. Avoid comparing the person to others. Deliver the compliment in a setting that is comfortable for them—often in private for more personal praise. Most importantly, ensure your praise is genuine and comes from a place of real admiration.
4. Why do I overthink praise?
Overthinking praise is often a symptom of anxiety, low self-confidence, or a history of being let down. Your brain might be trying to protect you by searching for a “catch” or a hidden meaning. You might be analyzing the compliment to see if it comes with a hidden expectation that you’ll have to live up to. This self-critical loop can be a hard habit to break, and it often stems from a deeper fear of not being good enough. It’s also easy to get stuck in this loop if you tend to replay embarrassing moments at night, as the underlying mechanism of rumination is the same.
5. Are some personalities more likely to misinterpret compliments?
Yes, certain personality traits and psychological profiles can make someone more prone to misinterpreting compliments. Individuals with high levels of neuroticism, who tend to experience more negative emotions like anxiety and self-doubt, are more likely to view praise with suspicion. People with an “avoidant” attachment style may feel uncomfortable with the intimacy that a compliment can create. Similarly, those who are highly self-critical or perfectionistic often have a very difficult time internalizing praise because it conflicts with their own harsh self-judgments.